so its been a while since ive taken the time to sit back and reflect on my life.  the funny thing is, on the outside not much has changed for me.  i still work at the same shitty job ive been at for 3 and a half years, i still live in the same apartment with the same roommate, drive the same car and have the same “friends” to party with.  the difference is the way i feel about myself and my circumstances.

the more and more i think about the past, the less i miss what used to keep me awake at night.  the person that for a while i thought i couldnt live without, now seems to be a fading memory that more often than not i no longer wish to return to.  so lately its been less reminiscing and more forward glances towards the future and the possibilities that it holds in store.  i realized that i am happy, but i dont want to stay here.  school is something that i do eventually want to return my focus to.  however, i feel trapped and silently distracted in rhode island.  the only hope for me to ever refocus is a change of scenery.  for me to gather up enough gaul to pack up and leave the country is far from likely, but still something that i will continue to dream about.  as for now however, my life continues to remain ordinarily uneventful and drab.

the most excitement lately comes from a boy (no surprise there).  i seem to only feel alive when im shaken up and sneaking around with my newest new thing.  this time its a little different, its a goal.. one that ive slowly worked towards, and oddly enough, still want even now that it is somewhat obtained. im not getting bored yet.  that may as well be the largest change that i have made in myself since ive written last, the desire for stability.  hes constant, reliable, though uncertain, i still find comfort in the fact that hes taking a risk to spend time with me.  nothing is perfect, i am well aware but i think for the first time i will be patient and ride this one out.  something tells me he will be worth it.  see, my greatest problem was chasing after the things that seemed the most exciting, yet were never the best things for me.  for once i strive to attain a person that is both exciting and good for me at the very same time.  i guess that means im maturing.  the things that i want and the things that i need are slowly combining and becoming the same exact set of standards.  this better be enough to keep me smiling well through the new year and after.

see, i have a good feeling about 2010 and all that arrives with it. my life will obviously not become suddenly stricken with adventure or extravagant importance, but it will at least be enough to keep me alive and well.  i finally have something to look forward to.  i enjoy the possibility of improving and enriching my circumstances.. i hope i am not unpleasantly surprised.  i want to accept my place in life, be happy with my job, friends, and financial situation.  fall in love again, not only with someone other than chris celi, but love life again.  its beginning to be become apparent that i’ve been asleep for a long time and for the first time in a long time i think im waking up.  to a new life as well as a new year.

strap on your heart, here comes 2010 <3

(via blogsecret)

(via blogsecret)

(via blogsecret)

(via blogsecret)

(via blogsecret)

(via blogsecret)